War-Weary

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Exodus 14:14

Well, I sat in front of my computer for a while this week trying to think of what to write about. All of my other posts have launched from prayers, conversations, sermons, any little nugget that has continued to stick around with me through the days. But, this week was different. This week … well, this week I’m tired. I’m not talking just physically tired or mentally drained. I mean soul weary. The kind of exhausted that leaves your heart battered and bruised, nursing its wounds on the couch. This is the tiredness sleep cannot cure. I’m guessing if you have lived long enough you know what I mean. Your eyes are heavy but you aren’t sleepy. You can’t seem to make your body do what it needs to do even though you fed it great nutrition. Joy seems just out of reach and yet somehow present. 

I find myself referring to my soul as “war-weary.” You see, we live in a world at war. Both physically and spiritually there is a battle raging all around us right now. We are fighting to protect ourselves and those we love from getting sick. We are battling to discover a cure or vaccine for an unseen enemy. Some of you are rallying the troops at home as you face canceled graduations, weddings, showers, birthday parties, vacations, and general sadness. You call out the battle cry of joy with half-hearted responses while your own heart is bedraggled and weary. Who would have thought that almost two months of doing “nothing” would leave me so exhausted? 

But, how much war has your soul and mine seen in the past few weeks? Tack these weeks onto decades of spiritual attack and it isn’t surprising I’m weary. I’m not shocked that my little heart just wants to veg out on the couch with some Cheetos and a soda. As Christians, we have daily been faced with the world’s questions of “ Where is your god right now?” “How could a good God allow this?” And on a personal level we ask when God will relieve us from this? When will He allow us to return to normal? We promise to pay attention and learn whatever He is teaching if He will just hurry it up and move us along! (Just me? That’s my whiney promise anytime rough patches occur.) Our eyes consume conflicting information and don’t know what news to believe. We spend our days texting, commenting, calling, and Zooming with friends and family who call on us to encourage their own bedraggled souls. No wonder we are tired. 

Maybe quarantine and this current situation haven’t taken the same toll on you as it has on me but I know you have experienced this kind of “over it.” The kind where you feel numb and like nothing new could phase you. For someone who feels deeply, this is always a sign something is wrong. I wasn’t meant to be a zombie bumping through life. I think my heart gets so tired that it turns off all incoming messages and switches to auto-pilot. It can’t feel anymore because it might just die if it does. 

In a normal season of life, I could rally and push through. But, this season has taken its toll. I’m up to my hips in the mud of spiritual warfare fighting to protect my soul and the souls of those I love from the Enemy’s assault. And, in full transparency, some nights I step out of the battle. I give up. I let Satan whisper his familiar lies to me because it’s easier than fighting. What breaks my heart is to think that others I love probably do the same. It’s crazy to me how that idea is what can often rally my heart. I may not have it in me to fight for myself but I can fight for someone else. In those moments I realize the depth of love Christ displayed on the cross. He didn’t face death for himself, but for me. I am in no way comparing myself to Christ! What I am saying is that He has placed this kind of love in each of us. What an insane gift is that? I get to know the love of Christ and then express it even in the depths of heartache. He allows me to grasp what He did for me by allowing me to love and to suffer. 

My battle is not over but it is already won. The cross conquered the battle that causes my heart to languish. His love for me is the healing balm to my retreating heart. When I am assailed on all sides, He presses in ever nearer. Exodus 14:14 reminds us, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” I am not the commander of this spiritual battle. I am merely a soldier following in the footsteps of an already triumphant king. Why do I let my heart get so bogged down in this war when I know the outcome? Why not fight as if the victory celebration has already begun? I want my heart to know where to run in times of trial but to also live in light of the knowledge that the victory is ours. 

This isn’t my typical blog post but I wanted to have full transparency. How will anyone know to encourage us if we don’t express our struggles? So, this week has been hard. Really hard. And, the reality is that you probably would have never known if I hadn’t confessed it. How many of us are tired of fighting our battles alone? How many of us need reminders to look to the conquering King? If you are tired, I pray you find rest. If you are hiding from the fight, I pray you find the courage to engage. Your heart is worth putting up a fight for––after all, someone has already laid down their life to ransom it.